Art of Kissing

I’m a kissing fool. Love to kiss. Everyone says they are a good kisser because they haven’t received any complaints. But let me tell you, there is a lot of bad kissers out there. I understand, to each their own, but there are some universal no-nos in the art of kissing.

How to be a masterful kisser:

Step One: clean mouth and breath. This does not mean you should bring your toothbrush on a date but if your date isn’t munching on garlic or onions….you shouldn’t either.

Step two: nobody wants to feel your tongue down their esophagus. My tonsils were removed as a young child, but that doesn’t mean I want you to examine my mouth like a dentist. Use of a light tongue is far more desirable.

Step three: don’t make baby noises. This is such a turn-off. I dated a guy who would sound like an animated baby suckling on a pacifier while kissing. Gross! Light moaning….okay.

Step four: don’t lick the face. I’ve lightly touched my tongue to my mates lips, but I’ve never just tongued the whole face. That is not sexy.

Step five: nibbling is always a great thing. Chewing and biting hurts and breaks down tissue.

Step six: saliva shouldn’t be dripping down your face or your mates. Please try to control your drool.

Step seven: don’t be afraid to use your hands to cradle your mates face or hold them close. If you are rigid, how can you melt into each other?

On a side note, I understand when you are in the heat of the moment and your kissing turns into a full on makeout sesh. Please do not stick your tongue down your mates ears and bathe their eardrums. Those in water sports try to avoid swimmers ear, I prefer to not receive it either by making out. It’s gross and feels like a wet Willy. Just please stop.

Rogue Rose

Separated by Sex

My date was a man whose status was labeled separated. That was my first mistake. It’s the unknown of is he getting a divorce or is he going back to his wife. He was a nice guy nevertheless.

He picked me from my house in a beautiful black Mercedes. It was quite plush. We drove to Doheny State Beach and he said we were going to watch firework dancers. They dance with a long string of fireworks and it’s electricifying. I believe it’s illegal but it is still mesmerizing.

He had everything planned out. He grabbed a few blankets from the trunk and a bottle of champagne (another illegal thing on the beach) and some glasses. This man came prepared for us to basically get cited. Alright…well when in Rome I suppose.

So we find a spot on the beach. It’s already dark out and it’s pretty chilly. Divers are in the water hunting for spiny lobster.

The firework show is amateur hour but wonderful just the same. The conversation is flowing well. It’s all going very swimmingly.

And then the waterworks start. Nope not rain. But Niagara of Tears. This man broke down and became the most vulnerable crushed man I’ve ever seen. He missed his wife and children. He exclaimed he only ever wanted to be married to her. He curled up into a fetal position on the blanket and I stroked his bald head as he continued to sob.

I felt bad for him but it was confirmation to me why I don’t date men who are only separated. Plus I’m stuck out there with him because he drove.

Shortly after the waterfall stopped, a cop started to roll through. I’ve never seen a man gain his composure so quickly, leap up, grab everything and hightail it to the car. He even had the gumption to go talk to the police officer about the beautiful weather we were having.

We get in the car. I’m still a little sandy and he turns to me and says:

him: “Wanna have sex?”

Yea….no thank you.

Rogue Rose

New Year’s Snooze

It was New Year’s Eve and I had a date with a handsome retired multi-millionaire. He had made his millions young and had sold his healthcare company by the time he was around 40.

We start the evening at a local brewery restaurant for prime rib and a baked potato. Very delicious but way too much food. The restaurant was packed but they knew him well so they had saved him a really good table.

After dinner, we were going to the movies to see the latest Star Wars. I was excited because I’m a bit of a nerd. Luckily, the movie theater was right next door. How convenient.

So we walk over to the theaters and it was lightly misting out with a little chill in the air.

We find our seats in the theater and the previews start. I’m curled up next to him, trying to get warm. He has his arms wrapped around me and rubbing my shoulders. Very sweet.

The movie begins and it starts out strong.

And that is all I remember. I fell asleep and I’m pretty sure I was snoring.

Rogue Rose

Feel Me Up

I had an exercise buddy that we would go on long walks and chats. Nice guy. Sometimes when you hang out with a guy friend, you don’t realize maybe they like you a little more than you thought. And they surprise you with a date.

So he tells me he wants to give us a shot. See if there are sparks. My heart isn’t in it but he seems intent. What could it hurt to go on one date? If he realizes there are no sparks, we can go back to our normal daily lives and get past this.

So he picks me up as a true gentleman would and tells me he has a surprise for me. He drives down the street to a local strip mall and parks. Are we going into Sprouts? Nope. Are we going into Einstein Bagels? Nope again.

Massage parlor. Oh ok. I’m getting a massage. How lovely. We get checked in and they escort us to the couple’s massage room.

Wait what?

I’m suppose to get undressed in front of this man in the same room and lay on a table with a sheet on me. Oh he has some balls.

Alright.

me: “Turn around and no peeking.”

He behaved, I think. I crawled on the table and covered myself.

I did not behave. I peeked. Oops.

Rogue Rose

Animated Music Producer

Without naming names and keeping this somewhat on the down low, I dated a successful musician/producer. I’ll give you one clue, his most famous song, you definitely heard it in the late 80s and early 90s. In fact, some radio stations keep it in rotation.

He was a very nice man. Very muscular, not hulky muscle but more like lean muscle. Still chiseled. He had a normal 9-5 day job now in a recession proof industry and kept a little studio on the side.

In dating artists and people who consider themselves artistic, I’ve found a lot of them want to show off their wares. They have great pride and I happen to love art that speaks to me on a personal level. So I agreed to take a big risk and meet him at his music studio. Normally, I’m a meet in public kind of gal but I’m packing pepper spray just in case.

So I arrive and having grown up around music studios, I feel right at home. Granted, I have no idea what any of the buttons do, but I’ve certainly sat on a couch numerous times and watched others do their magic.

So here I am getting the grand tour and being handed a hot cup of herbal green tea. A little Celestial Seasonings. How delightful.

In the main lounge is a large comfy brown leather couch and a big screen tv hanging on the wall. He plops down on the couch next to me, grabs the remote and flips on Yogi Bear. I kid you not.

As a child, I loved cartoons. Looney Tunes. Yogi Bear. Smurfs. Disney cartoons. Jetsons. I watched them. Having children, I still watch them. But this was a first for me.

So there we were on our very first date, sitting in a music studio with our hot herbal green tea, watching Yogi Bear trying to con the Park Ranger that he didn’t steal another picnic basket. And out of nowhere he starts laughing.

him: “I just love Boo Boo.”

Omg. Am I being pranked? Is he for real? I love Boo Boo bear too with his cute little bowtie but this can’t be real. I’m no spring chicken and this man clearly has 12 years on me. What’s next? A cheese and crackers snack pack with a Capri Sun?

I finished my cup of tea and apologized that I needed to be somewhere. Like a gentleman, he walked me to my car, leaned in for a kiss on the cheek and asked if I would come back soon.

him: “Next time we can watch Tom and Jerry.”

Umm…adorable.

Rogue Rose

Crane of Tears

The hardest part about dating again is being vulnerable. There are some dates that you go on and your heart isn’t entirely in it. You just go in and are not expecting fireworks. And there are others, your hopes are so high that you think, just maybe, just possibly, this person is the one.

I’m a hopeless romantic to begin with, which is a blessing and a curse. A hopeless romantic is a positive refillable fool who gives all of themselves and hopes and prays it’s returned in abundance. I am that fool. I won’t apologize for it. But I’m fully aware of the consequences of it.

I met a man. A man a few years younger than me. Divorced single father. We chatted for a week. Our conversations were so immensely passionate and intense. You know when someone just gets you. Gets you to the core and you let down those walls. You become vulnerable. You become hopeful. I truly understand how you can become so attached to someone without actually meeting them.

We were going to meet and had been planning it all week. Sushi dinner. I was dressed and looking super pretty. I even snapped a selfie and sent it to him. He loved the picture.

He is a business owner and was only going to be busy in the morning. Then took another job. And another. We were still planning to meet.

And then nothing. No contact. No nothing. Text went unanswered. Phone call wasn’t returned. Nothing.

I was basically stood up. Not going to lie….I shed a tear.

Rogue Rose

It’s Complicated

Blind dates are funny. You never know what is going to happen. You are told they are handsome. You are told their profession. But some things are left out for you to discover. It’s like a gift that you get to unwrap slowly. Peeling back the wrapping paper. Sometimes it’s like an onion and not a gift at all.

It’s was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and I was meeting a handsome man for a hike. I enjoy being out in nature and this seemed right up my alley.

He was tall. Much taller than me. Gentle eyes, warm smile. Blonde. Very good looking. And he kissed me. I melted.

After our little hike, he asked if I wanted to come over to use his home gym. We could get all sweaty at his place. Perhaps another day. I don’t want to appear too easy.

him: “Just let me know when and I’ll let the Mrs know.”

Wait! What?!

me: “You are married?”

him: “It’s complicated but yes.”

me: “Separated?”

him: “Open marriage.”

me: “And she is aware of this?”

him: “Yes. Sometimes she watches.”

Oh my. This isn’t what I was expecting. This wasn’t a gift….it was an onion. A very complicated onion.

Rogue Rose