We all tell little white lies. Some of them you can get away with it. Others are a bit of a stretch. But if you are going to lie about your age by 10 years or your height by 5 inches, there is a very strong chance you will get found out.
Typical coffee date. Very generic. He lives close by and we are patrons of the same Starbucks. Talk about convenient. I like it. I don’t even have to work hard for this one.
Nice guy. Starting to bald a little, which I don’t mind in the slightest bit. I’m actually fond of bald men, especially if they have good head for it. Rubbing the chrome dome is lucky. At least, I keep telling myself that. Ha!
So he is waiting for me. I respond with my text saying I’m here. He instantly greets me.
Now, his profile said 6′ tall. My profile says 5’9″. I’m actually just shy of 5’9″, coming in at 5’8″ and some change. But who is counting hairs? So I round up for good measure. This man is clearly 5’7″. Oh and I’m in flats.
him: “You are a lot taller than you originally said.”
me: “Nope, I’m 5’9″ everyday, all day long.”
him: “Are you sure?”
Is he serious? Do I need to break out a measuring tape in Starbucks to prove my height is accurate and he shrunk at the knees?
If he can lie about something so blatantly obvious that can easily be proven…..what else is he willing to lie about?
There is rarely an occasion when I turn down sushi. Those beautiful colorful rolls of yumminess are always a delight. Plus there is a great upscale sushi restaurant in Orange County called Riptide. This is not a hole in the wall diamond in the rough. This is fusion sushi at its best.
So my date tells me to meet him there in front of the fish tank. That is something I never understood. A fish tank in a seafood restaurant. Do you put a ranch in the middle of steak house? Or a farm in a burger joint?
Regardless, I show up all pretty. We get seated in a half moon booth. I order a key lime martini and he gets a gin and tonic. We also order the Philadelphia roll (my fave) and a ceviche inspired roll, plus something else to share. It was a lot of sushi.
When the food arrives, I can tell my date is feeling a little loose. He starts to hand feed me a sushi roll. Honestly, I was a little surprised but I go with it. Maybe he was trying to be romantic or maybe he was trying to get me to shut up and eat. Either way, it was kinda odd. I am capable of using chopsticks myself, while not masterfully….it is still effective. I won’t starve.
So my date is now on his second gin and tonic…or maybe 3rd or 4th. I really don’t know how many he had before I arrived. He is feeling pretty good.
And then it happens. He grabs a boob.
him: “they are so big and fluffy like pillows”
I just sit there looking around to make sure nobody just saw that. Usually in dating, you stop to savor each base or at least go through them quickly. He stole a few bases.
He certainly had liquid courage.
This very nice businessman had been trying to court me for over a month. He was persistent yet very sweet.
We didn’t live close to each other. Easily two hour drive. I’m not one for long distance relationships, so when he told me he was in town, what could it hurt to meet? I didn’t have to travel far.
So typical Starbucks meeting for a cup of tea. He shows up and he is built like a lion. His voice was deep and there was something majestic about him, like Mufasa from The Lion King.
We talked about work and families. And religion. It seems the king of the jungle believed in Scientology. He tried to sell me on the idea of a bridge and audits.
I don’t know about you, but the idea of being life audited, seems a little intense and brutal.
When that wasn’t working, he claimed I could practice whatever religion I wanted but I had to support him in his. Under normal circumstances, I would be completely on board.
I’m not one to judge, but lately I’ve seen too much on television about Scientology to have some doubts.
The king of the jungle needs to find another queen.
It was a gorgeous day down at Dana Point Harbour. The boats were in their slips and people were out drinking coffee and walking their adorable puppers.
I said yes to a cup of tea and a walk along the harbour. Personally, I like reading the names of boats and wondering what their owners were thinking when they came up with them.
She Got the House
Ok, well some are pretty self-explanatory. So I met this somewhat goofy man.
him: “So I was arrested after all of my marijuana dispensaries were raided and I spent a million dollars on lawyer fees.”
Really? That is how you want to start the date? Full disclosure.
I understand it’s legal today in California but it wasn’t during the time of this date. In fact, my date boasted about it rather loudly that all of the coffee patrons could hear him crystal clearly.
Then the paranoia set in. People were watching him. He was getting wide-eyed and very concerned. He informed me he is still watched by the man and was concerned he would be poisoned.
him: “Does this coffee taste funny to you?”
me: “Well you did add 7 packets of sugar.”
him: “It still tastes bitter. I should go. Don’t drink your coffee.”
me: “I got tea.”
him: “Oh that’s better because it’s from the Earth.”
And off he ran. The marijuana paranoid kingpin.
When you start to talk to someone before you actually date, you are getting to know them. The basics. Age. Height. Profession. Status of singleness. Is there any chemistry over the phone.
So I had one of these conversations with a man that I was interested in. He seemed nice and very intent on meeting me. He asked a lot of questions. I answered almost all of them. Never did I tell him where I work though or my home address.
Now I understand you can search the internet and find out almost anything on a person. I just prefer not to be the Pre-Date stalker. Let’s see if there is chemistry before I dig into your goofy pics.
I’m sitting at my desk when I receive a delivery from ProFlowers. It’s a large long green box, which attracts all of the women in the office like a congregation of bees.
Inside is a cute pink and white ombre mason jar with roses, and lilies. Plus a box of chocolates and a $100 gift card to some wine. And the note. Oh what a note.
“Can’t wait to start our life together in marriage. Raising yours and mine and our beautiful children in a wondrous life of love and adventure. Come join my hand in this journey for two.”
We haven’t even met in person and you are already planning our future? My coworkers saw my face as I read the card. It was mind-boggling how he knew where I worked.
So that evening, he called upset I hadn’t called him to thank him for the flowers. Then he proceeded to tell me he had planned to send them to my house but thought I might be weirded out that he already knew where I lived.
me: “You know where I live?”
me: “Have you driven by my house?”
him: “Only once. I picked the flower bouquet by the ones you have on your front porch.”
Yea…that was creepy. No date for you.
So I have a favorite restaurant in Orange County called Marrakesh. It’s this sexy morrocan restaurant where you sit in velvet tents and where dining is a delectable experience of a tantalizing dance of spices and flavors. Well except for the bread made of anise. Not a fan of that.
So my date takes me to my favorite restaurant and while it’s not going to be a cheap date for him, I chose to wear a dusty blue dress that basically puts my DDs on display. I’m covered, but there is ample cleavage that could make the bellydancer jealous.
Let’s just say I was grateful. Gratitude is a good thing.
So we are sitting on a little couch under the tent with various other couples.
A man sitting across at another table is GLUED to my chest. I noticed but disregarded. I’m focused on my date. My date is focused on him and he isn’t thrilled.
Now, this isn’t a one course kinda restaurant. It’s various salads, lentil soup, the most delicious cinnamon and powered sugar chicken pastry, the main course and then baklava with honey sweetened mint tea.
So two hours of my date being upset is not an understatement.
Dinner was yummy though…
It was 5pm somewhere and I was meeting a dashingly handsome man for a smoothie. We were both getting over the common cold, so a heavy meal didn’t sound right.
We were at Tustin Marketplace and of course he shows up before me. It’s not that I’m always late, I just don’t like to stand around and wait. Double standard I know.
So I order a Seabreeze Squeeze and he ordered whatever fruity concoction it was. I wasn’t paying attention. He was good looking. Tall. Dark. Handsome. Built. Middle Eastern with one of those I’m so naughty smiles that you are in trouble.
We sit and chat for 30 minutes. We talk UFC and work and random crap. We both were super busy that this little date was thrown in last minute.
When it was time to leave, he walked me to my car like a gentleman. He held my face in his hands and gave me a delectably delicious kiss. I think my knees went weak.
I gained my composure and got in my car and watched him walk away. Turned on the car and looked in the rear view mirror to back up and saw my reflection. WTH was on my face? It was like black jelly. Oily jelly. I grab a tissue from my purse and wipe it off.
He had a goatee…..but was he wearing beard gel? And why was it black? So confused.
He texted me later and said he really enjoyed the kiss. And all I could say was “Do you wear beard oil?”