When you are dating a Hollywood director, being out in public with them is like attracting bees to honey. You can’t go anywhere without some little wannabe starlet wanting to be discovered.
We were at the Melrose Farmers Market, at a cute hipster coffee joint called Alfreds that has antlers on the A. Waiting on my vanilla cappuccino, with him in tow and his adorable poodle whom I adore….a handful of women keep doing sideways glances. They don’t care that he is double my age. They are probably wondering who I am and how do they get past me to him.
He seems to not notice, like it’s a typical weekend. I should be jealous because these women are gorgeous but I’m amused. I find it funny that they are tripping over themselves to catch his attention. As if the one glance over in their direction would catapult them to Academy Award stardom. Who knows, it could happen.
But he is the ultimate gentleman. Only focused on me.
I’m a lucky girl…
Him: “You should be in movies.”
Me: “Yea right.”
Him: “I’m serious. You have a very sensual side to you. It’s hot.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Him: “Besides curvy MILFs are a big hit right now.”
This was my conversation over a glass of house chardonnay. The man was an English porn financier. Our date went from small talk to pitching me to be in his latest movie. Basically telling me I could easily clear $12,000 a week.
Tempting. Very tempting but no.
Once upon a time, I had someone very special and dear in my life. I loved this man very much and had hoped we would be together forever. His life was cut short due to a genetic illness that ravaged his body and ultimately crushed his spirit. It was a terrible thing to watch helplessly, knowing whatever you do, will not and can not help. So I just sat by his side and loved him with everything I had.
Jump forward over a decade later, I’m on a date with a man. We go to a little Mexican restaurant I use to frequent when I was a young child. The food is authentic. The mariachis are considerably loud. And the place is packed.
I’m munching on enchiladas rancheros and a raspberry iced tea while yelling across the table to my date.
The problem is, besides the noise and the yelling….my date looks exactly like the man I lost. This man is only slightly taller and has a slightly smaller nose. Otherwise, almost identical. Their mannerisms are similar. It’s unnerving. I’m completely not myself.
I’m dating a ghost.
Generic coffee date in Laguna Niguel. Vanilla chai iced tea. My regular. Don’t know what he was drinking. Nice guy.
The entire time we are sitting on the patio having a conversation of flirty small talk, a man with his pitbull is singing right beside him.
He is playing a music video on YouTube and singing along while dressed as Larry King in suspenders.
This was not an easy date to be on. Try holding attention when all you can focus on is:
🎶 You’ve lost that lovin feeling 🎶
It’s never a fun experience going to the dentist. You are laying back on a chair with a bright annoying light shining in your eyes. Your mouth is clamped open in a unusual manner and there are fingers and tools all up in there. Drilling, spraying and spitting. It’s a truly romantic experience. Makes you want to go back for seconds, says no man ever.
And what is worst, is when your dentist wants to talk and expects you to answer. You make a poor attempt of mumbling some nonsense that they seem to understand.
So there I am, laying in the dentist chair, getting a cleaning. I have okay teeth but I also have a sweet tooth. So that usually gets an eye roll, a stern lecture and lines my dentist’s pockets. It’s a catch-22, I suppose.
I’m drooling and trying to think of a happy place when he decides to talk.
him: “You have a pretty mouth.”
him: “The shape, it’s really pretty. You could work on your brushing though.”
him: “Are you single?”
me: I just nod at this point.
him: “Try to stay still, please.”
me: I nod again and then apologize. Now I’m an idiot.
him: “Do you like pho?”
me: I shrug.
him: “Want to go sometime?”
So I can’t go anywhere because his hands are in my mouth….but I think he just hit on me. If I say yes, do I get a complimentary cleaning?
What else is he going to shove in my mouth?
A few months go by and this elderly man keeps messaging me about coming out to West Hollywood. He is good-looking and seems like a complete gentleman. He is almost twice my age, but that doesn’t phase me. So I finally agree to meet.
He makes reservations at the most romantic restaurant in town called The Little Door. He is even better looking in person. Completely gracious and almost regal. We drive up in his brand new beautiful Jaguar and do valet. This restaurant is so pretty. You are under a tent of green trees, red tulle, fairy lights.
Dinner was amazing. The food was delectable. And the wine was the best I’ve ever consumed. Incredible.
During dinner, he tells me his life story and it’s worthy of a movie itself, plus a sequel. You see, this man is an award winning director. And then he starts to pitch me to go into show business. I decline graciously. I prefer to watch, rather than be watched. He offers to invite me out to the set of his new movie and I joke that I’ll bring cupcakes.
After dinner, we go to the valet station to retrieve the car and they pull up with the same color Honda Accord. He goes to get in the car when I inform him it’s the wrong one. I guess valet got confused.
We almost took off with someone else’s car.
I’m a kissing fool. Love to kiss. Everyone says they are a good kisser because they haven’t received any complaints. But let me tell you, there is a lot of bad kissers out there. I understand, to each their own, but there are some universal no-nos in the art of kissing.
How to be a masterful kisser:
Step One: clean mouth and breath. This does not mean you should bring your toothbrush on a date but if your date isn’t munching on garlic or onions….you shouldn’t either.
Step two: nobody wants to feel your tongue down their esophagus. My tonsils were removed as a young child, but that doesn’t mean I want you to examine my mouth like a dentist. Use of a light tongue is far more desirable.
Step three: don’t make baby noises. This is such a turn-off. I dated a guy who would sound like an animated baby suckling on a pacifier while kissing. Gross! Light moaning….okay.
Step four: don’t lick the face. I’ve lightly touched my tongue to my mates lips, but I’ve never just tongued the whole face. That is not sexy.
Step five: nibbling is always a great thing. Chewing and biting hurts and breaks down tissue.
Step six: saliva shouldn’t be dripping down your face or your mates. Please try to control your drool.
Step seven: don’t be afraid to use your hands to cradle your mates face or hold them close. If you are rigid, how can you melt into each other?
On a side note, I understand when you are in the heat of the moment and your kissing turns into a full on makeout sesh. Please do not stick your tongue down your mates ears and bathe their eardrums. Those in water sports try to avoid swimmers ear, I prefer to not receive it either by making out. It’s gross and feels like a wet Willy. Just please stop.