Typically I like to meet a man in public. Occassionally, I will meet in a more private setting if I feel entirely comfortable. It takes a lot of wooing to get me to that level of comfort. This man did just that. I met him at his house for hummus and wine. Great combo.
This attorney had by far the most beautiful home I’ve ever seen. Not so much as the grand scale but the design and decorative touches. It was like he went into Z Gallerie and said “I’ll take one of each”. Impeccable style. Far better than my own. I was straight up impressed.
He opened a bottle of wine and brought out a plate of crackers and Sabra hummus. Not the garlic kind, mind you.
We take the food and wine outside to the backyard. The fire pit is on and there is smooth jazz playing on the outdoor speakers. We chat for a little bit. I notice his neighbors behind him have bedroom windows that stare right down into his backyard.
And he starts kissing me and his hands instantly gravitate to my breasts. He has large hands, ones that could cup a basketball, so he can easily handle my boobs.
Then his cock comes out of his shorts. Don’t know when that happened but all of a sudden it’s just there staring at me.
him: “Blow me baby.”
And the light comes on in the neighbors bedroom…
Generic coffee date in Laguna Niguel. Vanilla chai iced tea. My regular. Don’t know what he was drinking. Nice guy.
The entire time we are sitting on the patio having a conversation of flirty small talk, a man with his pitbull is singing right beside him.
He is playing a music video on YouTube and singing along while dressed as Larry King in suspenders.
This was not an easy date to be on. Try holding attention when all you can focus on is:
🎶 You’ve lost that lovin feeling 🎶
It’s never a fun experience going to the dentist. You are laying back on a chair with a bright annoying light shining in your eyes. Your mouth is clamped open in a unusual manner and there are fingers and tools all up in there. Drilling, spraying and spitting. It’s a truly romantic experience. Makes you want to go back for seconds, says no man ever.
And what is worst, is when your dentist wants to talk and expects you to answer. You make a poor attempt of mumbling some nonsense that they seem to understand.
So there I am, laying in the dentist chair, getting a cleaning. I have okay teeth but I also have a sweet tooth. So that usually gets an eye roll, a stern lecture and lines my dentist’s pockets. It’s a catch-22, I suppose.
I’m drooling and trying to think of a happy place when he decides to talk.
him: “You have a pretty mouth.”
him: “The shape, it’s really pretty. You could work on your brushing though.”
him: “Are you single?”
me: I just nod at this point.
him: “Try to stay still, please.”
me: I nod again and then apologize. Now I’m an idiot.
him: “Do you like pho?”
me: I shrug.
him: “Want to go sometime?”
So I can’t go anywhere because his hands are in my mouth….but I think he just hit on me. If I say yes, do I get a complimentary cleaning?
What else is he going to shove in my mouth?
A few months go by and this elderly man keeps messaging me about coming out to West Hollywood. He is good-looking and seems like a complete gentleman. He is almost twice my age, but that doesn’t phase me. So I finally agree to meet.
He makes reservations at the most romantic restaurant in town called The Little Door. He is even better looking in person. Completely gracious and almost regal. We drive up in his brand new beautiful Jaguar and do valet. This restaurant is so pretty. You are under a tent of green trees, red tulle, fairy lights.
Dinner was amazing. The food was delectable. And the wine was the best I’ve ever consumed. Incredible.
During dinner, he tells me his life story and it’s worthy of a movie itself, plus a sequel. You see, this man is an award winning director. And then he starts to pitch me to go into show business. I decline graciously. I prefer to watch, rather than be watched. He offers to invite me out to the set of his new movie and I joke that I’ll bring cupcakes.
After dinner, we go to the valet station to retrieve the car and they pull up with the same color Honda Accord. He goes to get in the car when I inform him it’s the wrong one. I guess valet got confused.
We almost took off with someone else’s car.
My date was a man whose status was labeled separated. That was my first mistake. It’s the unknown of is he getting a divorce or is he going back to his wife. He was a nice guy nevertheless.
He picked me from my house in a beautiful black Mercedes. It was quite plush. We drove to Doheny State Beach and he said we were going to watch firework dancers. They dance with a long string of fireworks and it’s electricifying. I believe it’s illegal but it is still mesmerizing.
He had everything planned out. He grabbed a few blankets from the trunk and a bottle of champagne (another illegal thing on the beach) and some glasses. This man came prepared for us to basically get cited. Alright…well when in Rome I suppose.
So we find a spot on the beach. It’s already dark out and it’s pretty chilly. Divers are in the water hunting for spiny lobster.
The firework show is amateur hour but wonderful just the same. The conversation is flowing well. It’s all going very swimmingly.
And then the waterworks start. Nope not rain. But Niagara of Tears. This man broke down and became the most vulnerable crushed man I’ve ever seen. He missed his wife and children. He exclaimed he only ever wanted to be married to her. He curled up into a fetal position on the blanket and I stroked his bald head as he continued to sob.
I felt bad for him but it was confirmation to me why I don’t date men who are only separated. Plus I’m stuck out there with him because he drove.
Shortly after the waterfall stopped, a cop started to roll through. I’ve never seen a man gain his composure so quickly, leap up, grab everything and hightail it to the car. He even had the gumption to go talk to the police officer about the beautiful weather we were having.
We get in the car. I’m still a little sandy and he turns to me and says:
him: “Wanna have sex?”
Yea….no thank you.