Typically I like to meet a man in public. Occassionally, I will meet in a more private setting if I feel entirely comfortable. It takes a lot of wooing to get me to that level of comfort. This man did just that. I met him at his house for hummus and wine. Great combo.
This attorney had by far the most beautiful home I’ve ever seen. Not so much as the grand scale but the design and decorative touches. It was like he went into Z Gallerie and said “I’ll take one of each”. Impeccable style. Far better than my own. I was straight up impressed.
He opened a bottle of wine and brought out a plate of crackers and Sabra hummus. Not the garlic kind, mind you.
We take the food and wine outside to the backyard. The fire pit is on and there is smooth jazz playing on the outdoor speakers. We chat for a little bit. I notice his neighbors behind him have bedroom windows that stare right down into his backyard.
And he starts kissing me and his hands instantly gravitate to my breasts. He has large hands, ones that could cup a basketball, so he can easily handle my boobs.
Then his cock comes out of his shorts. Don’t know when that happened but all of a sudden it’s just there staring at me.
him: “Blow me baby.”
And the light comes on in the neighbors bedroom…
I’m a kissing fool. Love to kiss. Everyone says they are a good kisser because they haven’t received any complaints. But let me tell you, there is a lot of bad kissers out there. I understand, to each their own, but there are some universal no-nos in the art of kissing.
How to be a masterful kisser:
Step One: clean mouth and breath. This does not mean you should bring your toothbrush on a date but if your date isn’t munching on garlic or onions….you shouldn’t either.
Step two: nobody wants to feel your tongue down their esophagus. My tonsils were removed as a young child, but that doesn’t mean I want you to examine my mouth like a dentist. Use of a light tongue is far more desirable.
Step three: don’t make baby noises. This is such a turn-off. I dated a guy who would sound like an animated baby suckling on a pacifier while kissing. Gross! Light moaning….okay.
Step four: don’t lick the face. I’ve lightly touched my tongue to my mates lips, but I’ve never just tongued the whole face. That is not sexy.
Step five: nibbling is always a great thing. Chewing and biting hurts and breaks down tissue.
Step six: saliva shouldn’t be dripping down your face or your mates. Please try to control your drool.
Step seven: don’t be afraid to use your hands to cradle your mates face or hold them close. If you are rigid, how can you melt into each other?
On a side note, I understand when you are in the heat of the moment and your kissing turns into a full on makeout sesh. Please do not stick your tongue down your mates ears and bathe their eardrums. Those in water sports try to avoid swimmers ear, I prefer to not receive it either by making out. It’s gross and feels like a wet Willy. Just please stop.