Him: “You should be in movies.”
Me: “Yea right.”
Him: “I’m serious. You have a very sensual side to you. It’s hot.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Him: “Besides curvy MILFs are a big hit right now.”
This was my conversation over a glass of house chardonnay. The man was an English porn financier. Our date went from small talk to pitching me to be in his latest movie. Basically telling me I could easily clear $12,000 a week.
Tempting. Very tempting but no.
Once upon a time, I had someone very special and dear in my life. I loved this man very much and had hoped we would be together forever. His life was cut short due to a genetic illness that ravaged his body and ultimately crushed his spirit. It was a terrible thing to watch helplessly, knowing whatever you do, will not and can not help. So I just sat by his side and loved him with everything I had.
Jump forward over a decade later, I’m on a date with a man. We go to a little Mexican restaurant I use to frequent when I was a young child. The food is authentic. The mariachis are considerably loud. And the place is packed.
I’m munching on enchiladas rancheros and a raspberry iced tea while yelling across the table to my date.
The problem is, besides the noise and the yelling….my date looks exactly like the man I lost. This man is only slightly taller and has a slightly smaller nose. Otherwise, almost identical. Their mannerisms are similar. It’s unnerving. I’m completely not myself.
I’m dating a ghost.
Generic coffee date in Laguna Niguel. Vanilla chai iced tea. My regular. Don’t know what he was drinking. Nice guy.
The entire time we are sitting on the patio having a conversation of flirty small talk, a man with his pitbull is singing right beside him.
He is playing a music video on YouTube and singing along while dressed as Larry King in suspenders.
This was not an easy date to be on. Try holding attention when all you can focus on is:
🎶 You’ve lost that lovin feeling 🎶
It’s never a fun experience going to the dentist. You are laying back on a chair with a bright annoying light shining in your eyes. Your mouth is clamped open in a unusual manner and there are fingers and tools all up in there. Drilling, spraying and spitting. It’s a truly romantic experience. Makes you want to go back for seconds, says no man ever.
And what is worst, is when your dentist wants to talk and expects you to answer. You make a poor attempt of mumbling some nonsense that they seem to understand.
So there I am, laying in the dentist chair, getting a cleaning. I have okay teeth but I also have a sweet tooth. So that usually gets an eye roll, a stern lecture and lines my dentist’s pockets. It’s a catch-22, I suppose.
I’m drooling and trying to think of a happy place when he decides to talk.
him: “You have a pretty mouth.”
him: “The shape, it’s really pretty. You could work on your brushing though.”
him: “Are you single?”
me: I just nod at this point.
him: “Try to stay still, please.”
me: I nod again and then apologize. Now I’m an idiot.
him: “Do you like pho?”
me: I shrug.
him: “Want to go sometime?”
So I can’t go anywhere because his hands are in my mouth….but I think he just hit on me. If I say yes, do I get a complimentary cleaning?
What else is he going to shove in my mouth?
My date was a man whose status was labeled separated. That was my first mistake. It’s the unknown of is he getting a divorce or is he going back to his wife. He was a nice guy nevertheless.
He picked me from my house in a beautiful black Mercedes. It was quite plush. We drove to Doheny State Beach and he said we were going to watch firework dancers. They dance with a long string of fireworks and it’s electricifying. I believe it’s illegal but it is still mesmerizing.
He had everything planned out. He grabbed a few blankets from the trunk and a bottle of champagne (another illegal thing on the beach) and some glasses. This man came prepared for us to basically get cited. Alright…well when in Rome I suppose.
So we find a spot on the beach. It’s already dark out and it’s pretty chilly. Divers are in the water hunting for spiny lobster.
The firework show is amateur hour but wonderful just the same. The conversation is flowing well. It’s all going very swimmingly.
And then the waterworks start. Nope not rain. But Niagara of Tears. This man broke down and became the most vulnerable crushed man I’ve ever seen. He missed his wife and children. He exclaimed he only ever wanted to be married to her. He curled up into a fetal position on the blanket and I stroked his bald head as he continued to sob.
I felt bad for him but it was confirmation to me why I don’t date men who are only separated. Plus I’m stuck out there with him because he drove.
Shortly after the waterfall stopped, a cop started to roll through. I’ve never seen a man gain his composure so quickly, leap up, grab everything and hightail it to the car. He even had the gumption to go talk to the police officer about the beautiful weather we were having.
We get in the car. I’m still a little sandy and he turns to me and says:
him: “Wanna have sex?”
Yea….no thank you.
It was New Year’s Eve and I had a date with a handsome retired multi-millionaire. He had made his millions young and had sold his healthcare company by the time he was around 40.
We start the evening at a local brewery restaurant for prime rib and a baked potato. Very delicious but way too much food. The restaurant was packed but they knew him well so they had saved him a really good table.
After dinner, we were going to the movies to see the latest Star Wars. I was excited because I’m a bit of a nerd. Luckily, the movie theater was right next door. How convenient.
So we walk over to the theaters and it was lightly misting out with a little chill in the air.
We find our seats in the theater and the previews start. I’m curled up next to him, trying to get warm. He has his arms wrapped around me and rubbing my shoulders. Very sweet.
The movie begins and it starts out strong.
And that is all I remember. I fell asleep and I’m pretty sure I was snoring.
I had an exercise buddy that we would go on long walks and chats. Nice guy. Sometimes when you hang out with a guy friend, you don’t realize maybe they like you a little more than you thought. And they surprise you with a date.
So he tells me he wants to give us a shot. See if there are sparks. My heart isn’t in it but he seems intent. What could it hurt to go on one date? If he realizes there are no sparks, we can go back to our normal daily lives and get past this.
So he picks me up as a true gentleman would and tells me he has a surprise for me. He drives down the street to a local strip mall and parks. Are we going into Sprouts? Nope. Are we going into Einstein Bagels? Nope again.
Massage parlor. Oh ok. I’m getting a massage. How lovely. We get checked in and they escort us to the couple’s massage room.
I’m suppose to get undressed in front of this man in the same room and lay on a table with a sheet on me. Oh he has some balls.
me: “Turn around and no peeking.”
He behaved, I think. I crawled on the table and covered myself.
I did not behave. I peeked. Oops.